Chapter 2!!! A King's Ransom-Official Story Thread

[GeneralVonWolfen]

This is beyond incredible...better than anything I could write, that's for sure.

[KommandanyHeiner]

Thank's for the support so far, guys!

[AlphaDawg]

Nice work, I enjoyed reading, even though I like Royals. There is one thing though - In the part where he beat up a bunch of guys, you failed to describe any of it, then went on to say it took six seconds. That sounds very immature, and I suggest staying away from that kind of writing from now on. Other than that, the story was great, and I look forward to more.

[KommandanyHeiner]

(13-06-2012 03:25 AM)AlphaDawg Wrote:  Nice work, I enjoyed reading, even though I like Royals. There is one thing though - In the part where he beat up a bunch of guys, you failed to describe any of it, then went on to say it took six seconds. That sounds very immature, and I suggest staying away from that kind of writing from now on. Other than that, the story was great, and I look forward to more.

Umm...what? I described it right here:


They charged at Zeal, howling like a wolf with a thorn in its paw. Zeal may have taken a hit or two, had the men not noticed him reaching into his pocket.
Zeal threw a small orange disk at the group of men. It exploded in a cloud of orange gas. Tear gas.
The men couldn’t help but stop and try to rub the irritating powder from their eyes. That was their mistake.

Zeal went on the attack. One had his feet swept out from under him. Something cracked. Probably a nose. Another had his arm twisted behind his back until the elbow popped from his socket. He screamed like a girl at a boy band concert. The last three were dispatched with a comical head crush-Zeal grabbed the hair of two thugs and smashed them inwards on the third man’s head. They slumped to the floor, eyes rolling.

It was all over in less than six seconds.

[AlphaDawg]

Wait I see - the head crush was... Oh, ok sorry. You did describe it. That wasn't really the point though, what I was getting at was the whole "six seconds" routine, which is somewhat overused.

[KommandanyHeiner]

[quote='AlphaDawg' pid='4881964' dateline='1340213730']
Wait I see - the head crush was... Oh, ok sorry. You did describe it. That wasn't really the point though, what I was getting at was the whole "six seconds" routine, which is somewhat overused.
[/]

Overused or not, if I hadn't had told the reader how long the actual fight took, it would seem slow and un-dramatic. Fights occour all the time in BFH-but a six-second hand-to-hand (melee) fight? Almost un-heard of in BFH.