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06-08-2011, 06:30 PM | Post: #1
123lucas 
This is a sequel of my first WS: Falling to War.
Reading the epilougde is recomended.
Please comment if you like or what i could i change

Prolougde: From Officer to Test Subject

Jake, frought at the Nationalist-Royalist War II, was a sergent, from the NASF, the National Aerial Special Forces, but at the National's last stand, a explosion crushed both sides, the Royals and its allies, Soviets, and the Nationals, the Imperials, allies of the National, held their possitions at the War on Sea, agast the Royals, or Republicans, whatever they were it doesn't matter.

Jake woke up, in the "Prison" or some kind of it, and did what he had to do every day: train, he didn't knew why, but trained, all the "prisioners" had to train, eat a strange food, strage for every one, even thoose who have been POW, didn't knew what was that, the "Prison" was full of all kind of soldiers, Royals, Nationals, Soviets, and everbody had to train, and the guards, used black trench coat, boots, gloves, every thing they weared was black, and they had national flags at the arms, they used gas masks and helmets, and the doctors, the same thing but with a grey cross in the helmet.

After some days, some guys disapered, but how, the "Prison" was underground, none knew.
Jake was in his bedroon, and he tolk to a ex-National officer, Lt. Frederich von Weibis.
"I remenber you, i don't now from were, but i remenber" said Jake, after an unknow time, in that place he was starting to forgewt his war experiences, like all others.
"Doesn't matter, some Royals found a way out, but they will need everybody to scape" said Frederich, he remebered from a battle, and he told the story to Jake, than Jake remenberd from that Lietnaunt, when he got wake on the mid of his rest, he remenbered, but he throught the guy was dead, his mind wasn't helping, he didn't remenber perfetcly, but didn't matter, he sayed "Let's do it, i fell energy growing inside of me" then a Royal replied, that guy was the master of stealthy, but they knew that he arrived at that time "You really have power growing i can see a green energy inside of you, and an aura of it" the Royal had powers, he could se more, and farest than every one, then Frederich sayed "It's time to start the operation".

Chapter 1: The escape

Lots of prisioners were at the meeting place, the rest, was covering, then a Soviet spoke:
"How we are getting out of here?" a Royal said "How did you came here?", the Soviet trought, and said "Walking, but i had craw in some tunnels, but what does it matter?", a National said "We are getting out using tunnels? We don't even know where we are", the prisioners laught, "No, we'll follow a tunnel to the supfice and get out steathly"

Jake, Fredirich and Kroop Muller, a ex-National corporal, went first, Jonnath, the Royal with vision powers, was right behind then, when they left the tunnel, they saw a forest, and a camp, a National camp, the black tropper, the Krucher, all there, then Kroop said "What are we gonna do?"

(This post was last modified: 18-09-2011 01:41 AM by 123lucas.)
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06-08-2011, 06:39 PM | Post: #2
jamesroberts221 
An interesting story but you have but waaay too many commas in sometimes, and also, it's spelt 'prison'.

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06-08-2011, 07:47 PM | Post: #3
123lucas 
Chapter 2: The camp fight

Stealthy, Jonnathan guided his dudes to the armory, they picked up, black assalt rifles, they had a little similarity with the Natioal AR that Jake used a the front, the St45, he read on his new rifle: St50E. Ammo, and knifes.
"Enemies at 3 o'cloack" said Jonnath, Kroop moved faster than anyone stabed one with his knife,push his body into the other and rushed at the him finally killing him, Jake left the tent/armory and said "How did you do that?" Kroop looked at the dead guard and said "Even I don't now how" and they went with the others to the exit of the tunnel, help the others.

"The armory is in that tent" said Kroop to a Soviet, while pointing to the armory. After other six guys getting armed, they headed to the garage, but a black guard spotted then, and sounded the alarms, a different guard appered, looked like an officer, said "Hell's troopers, kill then".

Lots of prisioners died, and even more have been wounded, the Hell's troopers didn't had that many downs, but some got killed, near the survivors, Jake saw one, dead on the ground, without the helmet and mask, he knew that guy, from the prison.

Chapter 3: Tuning the tables

The survivors had reinforciments , but the Hell's troopers didn't liked it, they started using explosives, but it didn't have a good effect, a Hell's trooper said "We should call Zeus, it would be a good test for him" ,but the officer said "No, he isn't ready, and they aren't so powerfull, they can be easly killed by your men, right?" the trooper wasn't sure he said "They are thoose who should be in our forces, some have better training, different strategies, we can't do this call Zeus, please" the officer picked a pistol on the table and shoot the trooper in the head "Poor you, but you were a good sergent" two Elite Hell's troopers got in the tent, saw the body, and said "What happened in here" the officer looed at then and said "He was a traitor, tried to kill me, but I was faster, now GOOOO!!"

Jake and his friends got cover behing some sand bags, Jonnathan said "Hey guys, I see an enemy machine gun coming" Jake looed at him "How? Man we need to get to thoose vehicles, and they have machine guns? They are kidding us, this is the only way to belive it" said Jake, after having a look at the enmies Kroop Muller said "I will kill the machine gunner, just surpress then, don't ask how", all the guys in that cover started shootting, Kroop moved, fast, using the flank, and after seconds he was behind the gunner, stabed him with his knife, and used the machine gun to kill the enemies, the tables got turned.

(This post was last modified: 12-08-2011 08:32 PM by 123lucas.)
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06-08-2011, 07:48 PM | Post: #4
123lucas 
Chapter 4: The Hell's Elite

The survivors were walking to the garage, but another squad of Hell Troopers came into fight, Kroop was walking to his friends, that were walking to the garage, everybdy went to prome position, another fire fight started, Jake wondered "From where they come?" he was getting enraged, he fell a wave of energy leaving his left hand, and going straight to the head of an enemy, the blood, the only thing that left.
"Wow, I've been so long in jail, this can't be real" he trought, he pointed his finger to another guy, released the energy, and the guy just disapered "Guys, run for cover, I will deal with then" he shouted.
His friends ran , while he covered with his strange powers.

The fire fight was rolling, this time quiete more balanced, when three different soldiers appered, one with an iron skull detalied armor, a shotgun with the same type of details, other with a black MG which was king of like the rifle that Jake got in his hands, heavy armor and a sword, and the last one with a SMG that looked like it was from the smae family from Jake's rifle.

Chapter 5: The Sacrifice

Jake threw want looked like a granade made of green energy, some Hell's troopers died, but the Elite didn't, he ran, saw his friends and some Soviets going to a plane, some Royals and others Nationals went to another plane.

"Get this thing moving, I will cover" said Frederich, chambering the bullet "It's time to the National skull do show theese bastards want is shooting" he completed.
"But they are Nationals, you dumb" said a Soviet while running and gunning.
"I said the real one, not this traitors" he crouched, the plane was getting speed, Frederich was shoting and being shoot.
The last thing he saw from that loyal and patriotic officer, was he being shoot in the chest, some troopers coming, and an explosion, Frerderich blew himself.

After a fling that looked like ethenity, the crew heard a sound, the plane was losing speed and height, a big hole was at it's hull, Jake grab a parachute and went near the hole, he already did the lots of times he wouldn't fail that time, he jumped and felt at the glourius NASF, but that division ended, and he knew that, but he liked to feel the way, some friends died in that war, but he felt their souls parachuting with him.

(This post was last modified: 14-09-2011 07:28 PM by 123lucas.)
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06-08-2011, 08:35 PM | Post: #5
123lucas 
Chapter 6: Betrayed by the own master

Jake was falling, he saw the ruins of his Capital City, he felt more powerfull the more he was closer, he saw some parachuters far away, when he touched the ground the first thing he did was search for the fountain of that energy, he could see that the energy dominated the city.

After sometime searching he saw a plane, it looked like the rumor of the "Flash Plane", he saw two of that planes fling at the grey sky of that city, he trought "Maybe one of that shoot us?", after as second he looked at the crashed one, and trought "Maybe this plane dropped the bomb? But how is it on the ground?" he would never discover, "Strange, ain't it?" a familiar voice said, Jake was already with the pistol on his hands when he turned back, Hans was there, with two Hell troopers, and some armor.

"Are you one of then?" asked Jake, pointing the pistol to Hans.
"Yes, why do you bother in asking? You will die anyway, it's actived petronium, you wont last a minute down there without a protection suit like ours" Hans said, the guards poited their guns at Jake.
"I throught you died like a patriot, not betrayed your own country like a coward" Jake said while crouched to put his gun on the ground.
"This is our country, the difference is that you don't rein, you work" said Hans.
"Take that bastard" Jake shot Hans without aining and used his powers on the guards, but got shoot at the leg and rolled down to the plane, the nearest he was the faster he healed, when he stoped on the side of the plane, he saw a guard looking, and leave, he throught "They may thing i died".

"Sir, he is dead" said the guard, "Nice shooting Alpha One" Hans said, the green fog was disapiring "Wait what is happening?" said Hans, he looked at the cliff, Jake was there, full of green energy, Jake wiped out the guards with an energy blade, Hans was surprised "It's not possible" said Hans while the helmet closed on his face "The activated petronium should havve killed you, but i will do it's job" Hans almost pulled the trigger, but Jake sent a petronium bolt at Hans's pistol.

...

"Zeus where are you i need your help" said Hans in the radio "I'm with the Krusher and my men, where are you?" it's voice was deep and robotic "I'm near the crash site, Prisioner 125 is here he killed my men and almost killed me, come fast" Hans said, he was in a dark conner, at any time Jake could come and kill him, so he clibed the houses, when reached at the top, he listened "You're late, and you know for what in here for" he looked to his back and saw Hades, Zeus's Second.

Jake heard screans at the roof tops, from a familiar voice, Hans was dead.

(This post was last modified: 14-09-2011 08:14 PM by 123lucas.)
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06-08-2011, 09:15 PM | Post: #6
IBLiTZKRiEGI 
An interesting premise, although the layout of the text is rather confusing. Make sure to check for any spelling or grammatical errors, there are quite a few. Try to develop key events as well as major characters further. Apart from that it was an enjoyable read.

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06-08-2011, 09:18 PM | Post: #7
jamesroberts221 
(06-08-2011 09:15 PM)IBLiTZKRiEGI Wrote:  An interesting premise, although the layout of the text is rather confusing. Make sure to check for any spelling or grammatical errors, there are quite a few. Try to develop key events as well as major characters further. Apart from that it was an enjoyable read.

+1

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07-08-2011, 01:46 AM | Post: #8
123lucas 
Thanks, dude

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07-08-2011, 01:54 AM | Post: #9
Nomander 
123lucas and also, sayed is spelt said Smile good work.

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07-08-2011, 01:28 PM | Post: #10
zhongsifu 
Lots of typos... :/

Royal Army Anthem
(12-06-2010 06:21 PM)CanadianBoy Wrote:  (Sorry, but we're likely to be recognized as "Grammar Jews" in the near future.)
(26-09-2010 04:15 AM)YCheez Wrote:  I, KING, of cheezland, award you the medal of lulz
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07-08-2011, 02:56 PM | Post: #11
xCptxJxLukexFx 
I lol'd. I also linked this to everyone in Writers' Chat. Then, we all lol'd.

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08-08-2011, 05:59 PM | Post: #12
123lucas 
what do you mean wiht that Luke?
Is my WS ridiculous?

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09-08-2011, 07:19 AM | Post: #13
zhongsifu 
(08-08-2011 05:59 PM)123lucas Wrote:  Is my WS ridiculous?

Well.... to a 'certain' extent, yes.

Royal Army Anthem
(12-06-2010 06:21 PM)CanadianBoy Wrote:  (Sorry, but we're likely to be recognized as "Grammar Jews" in the near future.)
(26-09-2010 04:15 AM)YCheez Wrote:  I, KING, of cheezland, award you the medal of lulz
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09-08-2011, 08:55 AM | Post: #14
AcHOIM 
Lately I've seen many new writers who completely fail, (to be of no offense) at spelling. Whats happening *facepalm*

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09-08-2011, 04:23 PM | Post: #15
jamesroberts221 
(09-08-2011 08:55 AM)AcHOIM Wrote:  Lately I've seen many new writers who completely fail, (to be of no offense) at spelling. Whats happening *facepalm*

Offence* What's*

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11-08-2011, 03:25 AM | Post: #16
xCptxJxLukexFx 
James, you have earned my respect.

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12-08-2011, 01:38 AM | Post: #17
123lucas 
(09-08-2011 07:19 AM)zhongsifu Wrote:  
(08-08-2011 05:59 PM)123lucas Wrote:  Is my WS ridiculous?

Well.... to a 'certain' extent, yes.

What did you mean with that?Huh

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12-08-2011, 07:45 AM | Post: #18
zhongsifu 
Put it this way:

Cool story, bro! Needs more dolphins!

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(12-06-2010 06:21 PM)CanadianBoy Wrote:  (Sorry, but we're likely to be recognized as "Grammar Jews" in the near future.)
(26-09-2010 04:15 AM)YCheez Wrote:  I, KING, of cheezland, award you the medal of lulz
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12-08-2011, 07:53 AM | Post: #19
godzillaboy100 
As much as proper grammar is a necessity, I don't know why you guys pick on foreign writers. It's not their fault they can't learn another language as easily as others. I'm just putting in my two cents.
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12-08-2011, 06:18 PM | Post: #20
123lucas 
(12-08-2011 07:53 AM)godzillaboy100 Wrote:  As much as proper grammar is a necessity, I don't know why you guys pick on foreign writers. It's not their fault they can't learn another language as easily as others. I'm just putting in my two cents.

Thanks bro.
I really like your stories, and see that an idol likes your work is great. Thank you again.

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