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[Parody Story] Dip Derfus in: Great Expectations! |
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09-01-2011, 02:54 AM |
Post: #1
NastyMann 
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Hello, my friends, haters, and the occasional troll.
There's a classic book that has touched my This book is a classic tale known as Great Expectations. It's about a person named Pip Pirrup, and his life story. Me, being NastyMann have decided to rip this story to shreds by completely rewriting it from the beginning to end, filling it with things that would or never should be typed! Well, not as intense. It basically follows the same storyline, only as a comedy. It's about our schizophrenic hero Derfus and he stars in his own adventure. Whether or not you have read or even heard of Great Expectations, it should still be enjoyable. It will be split into six pieces, each piece having ten chapters. I, shall now post Part One. Part One: Trapped in the 1800's.
Dip Derfus in:
Great Expectations... Well, For Him, Anyway... Prologue My name is Dip Derfus... And I'm... A Time Warrior!!! ... Well, not really. But ever since I found that Time Bracelet, everything for me had changed. I remember - a ways back when I first joined the Royal Army - I was to chase down a woman, her son, and pet unicorn. But was the unicorn really there? Anyhow, the mother tried to hold us off for her boy, and then far back, I heard the little boy screaming and darkness spraying from the spot. I got really scared so I grabbed the mother's bracelet because the kind wrist wear told me to, and then suddenly I was in control of time. I went to the future to find a girl who stole my song, "The Best Days of Your Life." I then ventured around to find that from my excessive time traveling, I have become schizophrenic, and I see things and they talk and some make love to me. But I really think my Butt-Troll is real. I mean, how else could I have gotten all that love? Well, now that I just saved some person's life that I revived by peeing on his grave, I now wait here to die, for I jumped out of the pick-up truck I used after I destroyed the Shenanigan researchers, and broke every bone in my body. I'm probably going to die, but my Butt-Troll says otherwise. I watched a really epic battle between a Royal Commando and a National Commando, but then a huge cow attacked. (Well, that's the most I could make out from all the wiry pictures and the friendly leprechauns that would pass by.) Now, everything seems to be getting dark. If only I could reach my Time Bracelet, then everything would be right... I tried to grab the Time Bracelet, but me having all bones broken really did slow a person down. All of the sudden, a huge wave of darkness bombed the warehouse created from the raging battle outside, and the shockwave sent the Time Bracelet over to me. I had to make it to the bracelet... But I couldn't move! It was so close to me, but I still couldn't reach it! It was like a super duper cruel joke fate's playing on me right now! I noticed there was a large gap in the roof, and I could see a Royal Commando flying away from a demon cow. And what's scary is that it wasn't from my schizophrenia. The pilot in the plane looked like he was taking out something, but then accidentally dropped it. OMAHGAWD. IT'S A TRUCKING SUPREME BANDADGE. OMAHGAWD.OMAHGAWD.OMAHGAWD.OMAHGAWD.OMAHGAWD.OMAHGAWD. ... But it just missed my head. "WHAT THE TRUCK!!!" I screamed. But a waft of wind blew the Supreme Bandage over to me... It touched me, and then... I jumped up with newfound energy. I snatched up the Time Bracelet and rubbed it. Go back to year 1928! I always wanted to see that year. All of the sudden, a huge light with colours Derfus had never seen appeared. "Eureka height fall freight necktie Jerald duffle deskill e NY ors Exegeses facelessness Rwanda freshened beach HAMANAKANAAMANAM" Sounds poured out through he light, and suddenly a huge gash appeared out of the thin air. Words and sentences all poured out of the gash, and colours and numbers, and sightings he had never even seen happened. "Well, I'm off to work," "Kiss me, you fool!" "Shut up!' "Gotta catch 'em all!" "Despite your ugly face, I still just might be able to smack you." "Bernice! Don't leave meh!" "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." "La, la, lalalala, la, la" "Follow the yellow brick road!" "I wonder what's for dinner?" "The sky was purple, and even though the wizard Mooflarckin didn't make this, it was still very nice." "We. Are. Nasty!" "Tell me, have you any testicles? If so, would you please show them to me?" "HEEEYEYEYYEYEEYEY" "Rudolf, the Red-Nosed Reindeer!" "Skull Candy." "White paint." "Purple pumpkins danced through the night on Valentine's Day, despite the fact that it was Monday." "I WANT JOO!" "Time for some nipple cutting!" "Don't fight the inevitable!" "HERMOINIE!!!!" "The Euphrates River is collapsing from the weight of gravity! Get the metal boot!" "MY NAME IS HAMISH!!!" "Barf on me NOWWW!!!" "And so the crisis of the tea shortage has frightened us all. On other news, the local Beer Factory is making leather boots for the poor." "THIS. IS. SPARTA!!!" "Meteoroid ewe Webb dangle GHQ Belched hobble;DJ lawbreaker Echlin high aggravate wallet chivy highlights leeks;plop assigned highflying adjudged hotbeds heehaw rehab Helena; Galbanum, man KKKKK, Johns Deb Byrd cc YEARS WIllLLL DDiiiEEEEE!!! [/align] Chapter One: Kicking a Convict's Balls. The gash opened up even more, and then spheres of the same sort opened up all over the island, uttering weird sayings and showing different pictures that happened or will happen. He must have used his Time Bracelet too much, and had altered the time make-up too far! "LICK MEH!!!! LIICCKKK MEEHHH!!!!!!!" "OH LORD, SAVE MEH!!! LET ME SHOVE MY HEAD IN YOUR Secede love bra strap smells like chocolate RAAAINNNNNNN!!!" warbler leaseback rehearse innocence gearshifts shushes DGWJ SH DHF;AIIWUE RBTBSJLS;AAMDJD HRBHWLW Adjacent deadhead heedless hearth font jades Hi. Then, another huge sphere opened up and started to suck Derfus deep within it. Once inside, everything seemed like it would implode. Derfus began to lose all sense of control over himself, as he felt like his life force was being drained out of him. Then, Derfus felt much younger... He lost his schizophrenia, but still had his slight stupidity. He was now only seven years old. He began to travel through the time warp and was flung into the Royal Kingdom in the year 1828, in a small marshy region, on the day of Christmas Eve. A hundred years off his orignal year. Derfus fell atop a young seven year-old as well. "AGGHH!!!" the boy screamed. "Who are you?" Derfus asked as he brushed the dirt off of his trousers. "I'm Phillip Pirrup, but most people call me Pip," the young boy stated. "I'm seven years old, and I'm on my way home. I live with my older sister and her husband." "Cool. I'm Dip Derfus, but most people call me Dip because I'm dumb or Doofus because they hate me," Derfus gladly stated. "Dip Derfus, eh? I suggest you should just go by Dip, so no one can make fun of your name by calling you Doofus," Pip suggested. "OMAHGAWD!!! SHUT UP! I HATE JOO! NEVAH CALL ME DOOFUS!!!" howled Dip as he smacked Pip over the head. Pip fell over and slammed his head against a rock, killing himself. "Oops." Dip stated as he walked along the marshy road. "EH! You there!" yelled an older man. Dip turned to see an old, ugly man who had shackles on his legs. "Are you a bad person?" Dip asked stupidly as he furrowed his brow. "You! Get me a file and vittles, or I'll cut out your heart and liver!" yelled the convict. "Well what if I leave and then say I'll give you the food but don't?" Dip suggested. "Then I'll kill you," the convict stated, seeming slightly exasperated. "Oh, but what if I run?" Dip asked curiously. Being seven, Dip was quite curious. One time, his curiosity got the better of him when he wanted to see what a lady wiener looked like. He regretted that day ever since. "*Sigh*, Then I'll kill you!" the convict said again. "Ah, but what if I kick you in the nuts?" Dip said again. "What? Well, then I'll-- ARghh!!" he howled as Dip drop kicked his groin. Dip ran away, and out of curiosity went into a random house that looked poor and stupid. Chapter Two: The Tickler "Wassup?" Dip asked as he stepped inside a house that appeared to be a home to a blacksmith. "EY!!! You scrawny little brat had better get in here quick! I can't believe I raised you by hand! Get over here!" screamed a lady as she whacked Dip over the head. "OWWW!!!" howled Dip. "Ey! You there, you piece of smelly debris! Get over here NAO!!!" howled the lady. "*Sigh*, What a mistake I made marrying you," her husband said as he put down his hammer. "WHAT!?!?!?" she screamed as she started slapping him. "Oh, Lord, get off me woman!!!" he screamed as he pushed her off of him. "I'm really mad now!!!" she screamed as she grabbed a wooden stick. "Pip! Your sister has the tickler!" the blacksmith yelled. "The what?" Dip asked, wondering if he'd giggle. "EEYYYRRrrrRRGhh!!!" the lady grumbled as she swatted as Dip with a wooden stick. "OMAHGAWD SAVE MEH SWEATY MAN!!!" screamed Dip as he ran to man for protection. "Alright, that's enough now," the man said as he took off his smith apron. "ERGGHH!!! It was a huge mistake raising Pip by hand! He's such a bother!" "Sit down for dinner now, Pip. You must be hungry," the man said. Wait, Pip? They must have mistaken him for the boy he killed. Well, they both had blonde hair, and both were seven. Huh. Dip was very excited. He finally had a family. "I HAVE A MOMMY AND A DADDY!!!! YAAAYYY!!!!" Dip happily said as he pulled out a seat and excitedly waited for dinner. "Umm... We're not your parents, Pip. Me and your sister are married, Mr. and Mrs. Joe Gargery... Are you feeling alright?" Joe asked as he sat down. Dip doesn't eat so he can sneak food to the fishes. He waits and then afterwards runs to Joe's forgery to steal a file to see if he could cut his own hair. Dip grabs his things and searches for Pip's bedroom. "GO TO SLEEP YOU RUNT! ERRRReeeEEEEEERRR--" "Ah, shut you beesh!" yelled Dip as he hopped into Pip's bed. Chapter Three: Christmas With A Convict "MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!" Dip yelled as he slammed unto Mr. and Mrs. Joe's bed. "Oh, no! Pip, don't wake up--" "Erggh! You poor pathetic swines will feel the wrath of my tickler!" she screamed as she swatted at them. Dip ran outside of the house with the food he saved and the file to see if he could cut his hair. He was trying to make his way to where he killed Pip for there was a body of water there that had calm waters, meaning he could use it as a mirror. "EY! GIMMIE YOUR TRINKETS!!!" yelled a convict as he swung at him. It was different from the first one, but just as ugly. "OMAHGAWD YOU SO HAIRY!!!" screamed Dip as he ran away from the convict. Dip found himself at a nice, calm body of water where he ripped some crumbs off of his food and tossed some to see if he could feed the fishes. "So you brought me some food, eh?" grunted the convict whom Dip met yesterday. "Hiya." Dip said as he grabbed the file. "Gimmie your vittles!" the convict growled as he snatched up the food. He held up the food in his hand and rubbed it all in his face, licking and smacking down on the tasteful meal made by a distasteful person. He rubbed the remaining food in his eyebrows and beard. "It makes for good snackies later on. Gimmie the file!" "But I was going to cut my--" "GIMMIE DEH FILE!!!" he yelled and he ripped the tool out of Dip's hands. He proceeded with cutting his shackles, and Dip ran back home in tears. "OMAHGAWD I WANTED TO CUT MAH HAIR YOU SO MEAN OMAHGAWD!!!" Dip cried out in one of his tantrums. Chapter Four: The Christmas Calamity. "Naaahhhhh ahhh ahhh ah, Que Sera, Sera! Whenever it comes, I'll be okay! Whatever life, Throws my way You wish I'd heard Now I'm as free as a bird, And I'm--" "EY!!! PIP!!! YOU GET YOUR LITTLE ARSE IN HERE NAO OR I'LL GET THE TICKLER!!!" screeched Mrs. Joe as she shoved Dip inside. "OMAHGAWD GUESS WHAT UGLY LADY? A BIG MAN TOOKED MAH FILE WHEN I WAS GONNA CUT MAH HAIR AND DEN--" "EErgrgrghhh!!!" screeched Mrs. Joe as she whacked Dip across the face. "OMAHGAWD!!!" screamed Dip out in pain as he raced to the kitchen to calm down. "O... MAH...GAWD... O...MAH...GAWD... Okay... All better. I'm not used to not having my little Butt-Troll not with me. I miss being schizophrenic..." Dip sadly said as he plopped down. Dip gulped sorrowfully, but it felt like he was swallowing thumbtacks. All his screaming made him very thirsty. He opened up a cupboard to see a bottle of brandy. Dip grabbed the bottle (Not realizing what it was,) uncorked it and gulped it all down. "Err... OmahGAAwwddd..." Dip moaned as he barfed and urinated in his pants. "Where can I go urine without ugly mean *BURP* scary lady beatin' *BURP* me wit her scary sticky. I gonna pee in teh bottle." Dip happily pulled down his pants and underwear and peed his heart away in the bottle of brandy, and filled it up to the brim. He then grabbed the cork and corked it and shoved it into the cupboard before he fell back on his arse. "OMAHAGWD MY POOR SEXY BUM OHHHHHHH!!!" howled Dip in the immense amount of pain. "Pip... You don't look so good. Why don't you take a nap before our guests arrive? We're having some people over for a Christmas dinner," Joe said as he helped Dip to bed. "EY!!! PIP!!! GET YOUR ARSE DOWNSTAIRS, OUR GUESTS ARE HERE!!!" yelled Mrs. Joe. Dip raised up his head, only to feel like it was going to explode into a million pieces. "OMAHGAWD--Wait, I need to control my tantrums, or the ugly lady will beat me," Dip surmised as he walked downstairs. "EY!!! GET TO THE TABLE AND GREET OUR GUESTS!!!" yelled Mrs. Joe as she ushered him along. "Wassup home skillidogs?" Dip said as he crossed his arms and made two peace signs. "EY!" yelled Mrs. Joe as she slapped him. "Um... Hello, Pip," a man said as he helped set the table. "No need, Mr. Wopsle, my wife can handle this," Joe said kindly. "EY! SHUT UP!!!" yelled Mrs. Joe as she punched him. "You've got quite the wife, now don't you? She's quite preposterous if you'd like my opinion," a man said distastefully. "Pumblechook, you shouldn't say--" "EY! YOU SHUT UP!!!" yelled Mrs. Joe as she whiffed a hunk of wood at him. "WHAT IN GOD'S NAME-- OGHHAARHAHH!!!" he yelled as the swirling hunk of pain tackled his unsuspecting face. "OMAHGAWD YOU HIT TEH MAN WIT TEH STICK OMAHGAWD DON'T HURT MEH OMAGAWD!!!" Dip yelled in one of his tantrums. Joe grabbed Dip and placed him in his seat, calming him down. "Oh, I'm sorry, Pumblechook, I just got a little angry," Mrs. Joe said as she helped him up. Joe grabbed a clean cloth from his forge and used it to dab Pumblechook's eye. "How would you like some brandy? Love, could you fetch this poor man some brandy?" Joe asked. "EY! YOU SHUT UP!!!" snarled Mrs. Joe as she drop kicked Joe. She went to the kitchen and grabbed the bottle of brandy, not knowing it was filled with Dip's pee. "Oh... Thank you..." Pumblechook said as he put the bottle to his lips. He allowed the golden liquid to enter through his lips, and swallowed with delight, but then started to choke. "BLARGH... What kind of household is this? First you try to take my head off with a slab of firewood, and now you try and kill me with.. With... Is this PEE!?!?" Pumblechook yelled as he threw the bottle, accidentally hitting Mrs. Joe in the face. "EY! I KILL YOU!!!" screamed Mrs. Joe as she scrambled toward Pumblechook. He attempted to run around the table, but Mrs. Joe flipped it on top of him, and started stamping down on it. Mr. and Mrs. Hubble, two other guests at the feast, were trying their best to get away from the dining room. "Mrs. Joe! Get a hold of yourself!" yelled Joe as he tried to haul Mrs. Joe off of the table. "EY! YOU FECK OFF!!!" yelled Mrs. Joe as she body slammed Joe to the ground. The whole dining room was in an uproar, everybody was kung-fu fighting, he threw his fist as fast as lightning, and it was a little bit frightening. (I really hope you get the song I was referring to.) "OMAHGAWD!!!" cried Dip as he flailed his arms around, punching or knocking everyone in his way. He ran for the door only for it to burst open in his face and to have a party of soldiers trample over him. Chapter Five: Gettin' The Bad Dude On Christmas "EY! What're you doing in here!?!?" cried Mrs. Joe as she lashed out at the soldiers. After she was done pummeling them with her tickler, and after she went to her room to pull some more of her hair out, the soldiers explained why they were here. "A convict has escaped, and we need a blacksmith to fix a pair of handcuffs." "Oh. Of course," Joe obliged as he took hold of the broken cuffs. "OMAHAGWD THE DINNER RUINED OMAHGAWD I'M SO HUNGRY OMAHGAWD!!!" Dip screamed as he ran about, arms flailing until he eventually collapsed. "I'm sorry about my brother in-law. Pip's been acting strange lately," Joe stated as he helped up Dip. "EY! SHUT UP!!!" screamed Mrs. Joe as she ran out of her bedroom and slapped Joe across the face. "What the hell did I do???" Joe asked as he rubbed his cheek. Already a red mark was forming. "EY!" yelled Mrs. Joe as she kicked Dip. She then went back to her room to bathe in her own tears and cry about how much she misses her parents. Joe stepped out of his smithy with the repaired cuffs. "Thank you very much, Mr. Gargery," one of the soldiers said. "We'll be off to catch the convict, now." "Wait, I'll come too!" Joe said as he took off his apron. "As will I!" Pumblechook, now with a shiner stated as he sat up from the sofa. "EY!!!" screeched Mrs. Joe as she ran out with a shovel and slammed it unto Pumblechook's head, knocking him unconscious. "Um... You'd better stay here and rest," Joe suggested as he grabbed some cloth to stop the bleeding. Mr Wopsle, now fearing for his life, stood up from his eat at the dining room chair. "I'll come too!" "EY!!!" screamed Mrs. Joe as she came out with her tickler. "OMAHGAWD!!!" screamed Dip as he ran for cover. "I'll take Pip as well," Joe yelped as he yanked Dip out of the way. "I wonder where that convict is...?" Mr. Wopsle said as he shivered in the cold night. "I wanna go home," Dip said as he huddled into Joe. "Don't worry, we'll get home soon," Joe said, despite they were out for three hours. "Oh... Hey, look over there... There's some ugly dude over there!" Mr. Wopsle said as he pointed to a man with food in his facial hair. "So you sicked the soldiers on me, eh lad?" the convict whom Dip helped said. "No, I just came so an ugly lady wouldn't beat me," Dip happily stated. "Oh," the convict said as soldiers dogpiled him. Chapter Six: Guilt. "Well, that was a smashing feast, no?" Joe said as he sat up. Mr and Mrs. Hubble had already left, and Pumblechook was writhing in pain on the sofa. "Did you like it, Mr. Wopsle?" Joe asked as he motioned his eyes toward Mrs. Joe, trying to warn him. "Oh, it was delicious, it was so good. Oh, so good. Oh, so yummy. Oh, it was yummy. Yes, it was so scrumptious. Oh, yes, it was yummy. Oh, oh, oh it was so good in my tummy. Oh, my tummy calls out for joy. Oh yes, oh, ooh, oh, oh, my stomach, oh, yes, my taste buds, they're calling out with joy. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah, it's so good. Oh, oh yeah, oh, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh--" "Mr Wopsle, that's quite enough, it sounds like your making sweet love," Pumblechook said as he winced from his incredible headache. "EY!!!" screeched Mrs. Joe as she rushed into the living room with her tickler in hand. "OMAHGAWD!!!" screamed Dip as he rushed up to bed. Mr. Wopsle scrambled out of the Gargery residence, and Pumblechook made it out with a few lashes across the face. "*Sigh*... No wonder no one likes us," Joe said sadly as he walked to his bedroom. "I feel so guilty... I didn't tell the truth to them... Oh, my gosh... This guilt... Oh... Why didn't I punch Mrs. Joe in the nuts? Oh man, Oh... the guilt..." Poor and young Dip was feeling his first form of extreme guilt for not punching Mrs. Joe in the nuts. Chapter Seven: An Example of How the Adults of the 1800's Were Extremely Violent and Unfair to the Children. "Wake up for school, Pip!" Joe said as he shook Dip awake. "OMAHGAWD--Oh, it's you. Hey smelly man," Dip greeted as he stretched out his arms. "Pip... You've been acting different lately. Is someone... touching you?" Joe asked. "NU!" Dip barked. "Oh, well, it's just that--" "NU!" "No, see, you don't--" "NU!" "Listen, Pip, your sister--" "NU!" "Pip, just be quiet, you need to understand that--" "NU!" "Pip, listen! You have to--" "NU!" "PIP! SHUT UP RIGHT NOW--" "NU!" "PIP!!!! HOLY CRAP!!! YOU WANT ME TO--" "NU!" "I'LL FREAKIN'--" "NU!" "Just go to school..." "Okey-dokey." Dip was happily traveling to school. He couldn't wait to make tons of money in his first bum-butting contest. "Hello," a little girl said as she walked towards Dip. "Hi." "Hey, isn't your name Pip? That's a--" "NU!" "Oh, well, what's your name?" "Dip." "Oh... Well, I must've heard wrong. Anyway, are you coming to class? If we listen to whatever the teacher says, she won't beat us as much." "Okey dokey," Dip said as he followed behind his new friend. "LISTEN!!!" "NU!" LISTEN!!!" "NU!" "LISTEN!!!" "NU!!!" "LISTEN!!!" "Okey-dokey." "Now, what's one plus one?" the teacher asked as he drew the equation on the chalk board. "Um, is it two?" Biddy asked. "YES!! Now I'll only beat you for ten seconds!" "Teacher, why do you beat children?" asked Little Bobby Junior. "Because, all my life people beat me up for money. And now I need to beat you," the teacher said, aggravated. "Aw... Not ANOTHER time... Last time, I was pooping out chalk for weeks..." mumbled Little Bobby Junior as the teacher with a box of chalk in hand took him to the corner. "I think I'll write a letter to sweaty man," declared Dip as he grabbed a piece of paper and a quill with ink. "You mean Joe? But I thought he couldn't read?" Biddy asked as she helped Dip in holding his quill. "He can't? DEN I SHALL TEACH HIM!!!" shouted Dip as he proceeded in drawing scribbles of what appeared to be a troll on top of what appeared to be a National Solider, which appeared to be leaning forward, which appeared to be allowing the troll to-- "HEY! PIP! You didn't get your daily beating!!!" growled the teacher as he snatched up Dip. "OMAHGAWD LEV MEH ALONE OMAHGAWD!!!" Dip screamed as he went into tantrum form. He bit down hard, and ended up biting off the teacher's finger. "OH MY GOD! DIP, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?!?!?" shrieked Biddy as she watched blood spray everywhere, and all the children raced out of the school. "Hey Joe," Dip said as he plopped down on the sofa. "You're home early, Pip. Is everything alright at school?" "Yeah. Say, how come you can't read?" Dip asked as he tried to get the taste of human flesh out of his mouth. "Oh... Well... See, my father would often get drunk and beat me and my mother... I'd have to go to work to support our family, so I couldn't get the time to learn... It's quite embarrassing, but I guess that's life. Well, I'm getting back to the forge. I'll see you at supper," Joe said as he grabbed his apron. "OMAHAGWD WHY ARE THE 1800'S SO VIOLENT AGAINST KIDS OMAHGAWD!?!?" "EY! PIP!!!" hollered Mrs. Joe as she lifted up the sofa and flung it at Dip. It landed atop Dip, pinning him down, and causing him terrible stimuli. "Miss Havisham the ugly fat old lady wants you to play with her daughter Estella," barked Mrs. Joe. "Is she uglier than you?" Dip asked as he tried to push the sofa off of him. "EY! SHUT UP!!!" Mrs. Joe boomed as she started beating Dip's face. Chapter Eight: Estella Dip happily awaited for Pumblechook to arrive and escort him to Miss Havisham's house. He couldn't wait to see if she was uglier than Mrs. Joe! There was a knock on the door and Dip raced toward it to see if it was Pumblechook. Dip opened the door to see Pumblechook with a black eye and a bandage wrapped around his head, and tons of marks all across his face. "Tell me, Pip... Is your sister home?" Pumblechook asked, slightly jittering. "You mean the ugly lady who beats me?" Dip asked, seeing if he and Pumblechook were referring to the same woman. "*Snickers* Yes, she is quite ugly," Pumblechook said with a broad grin. "EY!!!" screeched Mrs. Joe as she burst out from a kitchen cabinet wielding a musket. "HOLY PIECE OF FLOPPING HOLY BUM LITTERING BUM SMELLING BUM BUM BUUUMM!!!" screeched Pumblechook as he ducked a ball of lead. "EY!!!" Mrs. Joe yelled again as she stuffed in more gun powder. Dip and Pumblechook ran away as fast as they could, leaving the dreaded calls of "EErgrgrghhh!!!!" behind them. "Here we are, Pip," Pumblechook said as he guided Dip to the gate. "I can't wait to see Miss Havisham," Dip said, not believing Miss Havisham could be more ugly than Mrs. Joe. "Well, I'll be back later," Pumblechook said as he took the long way home, avoiding the Gargery's house all together. Dip looked ahead to see the most beautiful girl he ever met. "OMAHGAWD CAN I TOUCH YOU IN THE MOUTH!?! OMAHGAWD CAN I SEE YOUR CHOCOLATE RAAAINNNN???" Dip screeched, starstruck from her beauty. "Well aren't you quite the poo crumb," the girl said as she opened the gate. "My name is Estella, and you must be Pip?" "OMAAAAAHHHHGAAWWWWD!!!!!" Dip answered as he followed behind her. "Come along now you rotting piece of arse skin," Estella insulted as she led him into her large house. "Up the stairs, you ugly sliver of rat bum," she insulted again, leading her to Miss Havisham's room. All the while she insulted him, calling him down to what appeared to be quite low, and all Dip could say was "OMAAAHHHGAAAWWD." Finally, after some more soul shattering insults, they came to Miss Havisham. "Why hello there, Pip," Miss Havisham said. "OMAHGAWD YOU REALLY ARE MOAR UGLY DEN THE UGLY LADY WHO BEATS ME OMAHGAWDDD!!!" Dip cried out. She was quite peculiar, for she wore a wedding dress and sat in a candle lit room, with all the clocks stopped at 8:40. "Now, Pip, why don't you and Estella play cards?" Miss Havisham suggested as she smiled a gruesome grin. "I'll fetch the cards, you gruesome little bat snot," Estella said as she grabbed a pack of cards. All the while, Estella insulted him. It didn't really bother him, because he didn't really listen, all he did was look in awe at how beautiful Estella was and how ugly Miss Havisham was. Dip only felt pain when Estella called him a "Doofus of a turtle fart, you are." Doofus. "That's it, Estella... Break his heart..." Miss Havisham whispered. "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMAAHHHGAAWWDD YOU CALLED ME DOOFUS!!! I... I... I KI--... But I like you...." Dip didn't know what to do. Whenever someone would call him doofus, he would go ballistic and lose control and probably kill the person who said it. But for some reason, he couldn't do that with Estella. "OMAHHHGAAWWDDDDD!!!!!" cried Dip in a sorrowful scream filled with tears and sadness. He ran to the courtyard for lunch, and cries. "OMAHGAWWD... I WANNA BEAT HER UP BUT I DON'T WANNA WHY DON'T I WANNA I WANNA BUT DON'T WANNA OHMAHGAWWWWWWWD...." Dip sobbed. Estella came and brought him his lunch, no sympathy for his sadness. "Here's your lunch, you sniveling ape decay, you," she said as she put down the plate. Chapter Nine: I DON'T WANNA BE COMMON OHMAHGAWD! "So, Pip, tell us about your day with Estella," Pumblechook said as he sat down beside him at the table. "EY!!!... Yes, how was it?" Mrs. Joe asked. Dip didn't answer. "Are you going to tell us? Well, you should because--" "NU!" "EY!!! Don't interrupt--" "NU!" "Pip, that's quite enough. Your sister--" "NU!" "Pip, stop--" "NU!" "EY!!!" STOP IT NOW--" "NU!" "EY!!!" "NU!" "EY!!!" "NU!" "EY!!!" "NU!" "EY!!!" "NU!" "EY!!!" "NU!" "EY!!!" "NU!" "EY!!!" "NU!" "EY!!!" "NU!" "EY!!!" "NU!" "EY!!!" "OMAHGAWD IT WAS VERY NICE AND DEH LUNCH WAS SUPER OMAHGAWD LEAVE MEH ALONE OHMAHGAWD!!!" Dip screamed as he ran to his (Well, Pip's,) room. "Pip, are you okay?" Joe asked as he sat alongside Dip on his (Well, Pip's,) bed. "NU!" "Listen, Pip, I don't want to--" "NU!" "STOP!!!" Dip froze in confusion and fear at Joe's never-seen rage. "I'm sorry Pip, but I seriously hate it when you do that! Anyway, what I'm trying to say, is really, how was your day at Miss Havisham's?" Dip's bottom lip quivered. "OMAHGAWD IT WAS TERRIBLE OMAHGAWD SHE MADE FUN OF MEH TEH WHOLE TIME OMAHGAWD I DON'T WANT TO BE COMMON OMAHGAWD!!!" cried Dip. "Well, Pip, you should know that lying is certainly not a way to become uncommon. Now, rest up a little before supper," Joe said as he began to exit Dip's room. "Oh, and try not to anger your sister, please?" Chapter Ten: BIDDY TEACH MEH TO BE UNCOMMAN NAAOO!!! "I wanna go home. I'll get the Time Bracelet, hopefully me funking up the space-time continuum didn't make it unable for me to travel back," Dip said as he opened up the drawer beside his bed. He grabbed the Time Bracelet, and just before he could rub it, Mrs. Joe burst into his room. "EY!" she yelled as she grabbed Dip by the scruff of his hair. "You smell like arse! Go wash yourself you stinky bummunch! Ey... What's this?" She jerked Dip's Time Bracelet out of his hands and peered at its beauty. "This could be worth a lot of money! I'm gonna go sell it," she said. "OHMAHAGWD YOU CAN'T TAKE MAH BEAUTIFUL BRACELET OHMAHGAWD GIVE IT BACK OHMAHGAWD!" Dip yelled trying to yank it from her. "EY!" Mrs. Joe yelled as she haymakered him. "Only someone uncommon could ever own this! DID JOO STEAL IT!?" "OHMAHGAWD I DIDN'T I WANTZ IT BACK OHMAHGAWD!!!" Dip screamed as he clawed at her. "EY!" she screamed as she whacked him across the face with her tickler. "I'm gonna go sell it to that fat revolting creature Miss Havisham. DON'T FOLLOW ME OR I KICK YOU IN THE NUTS!" Mrs. Joe yelled as she shoved him on his bed. "OHMAGAWD SHE TOOKED MAH BRACELET NOW I'M NEVAH GONNA GET HOME OHMAHGAWD I HATE IT HERE OHMAHGAAAAWWWD!" he screamed. "Wait a minute. What if I become uncommon? OHMAHGAWD DEN I CAN MAKE LOT'S OF MONIE AND DEN GET MAH BRACELET BACK OHMAHGAWD I CAN'T WAIT TO BE UNCOMMON OHMAHGAWD I WANNA BE UNCOMMON OHMAHGAWD I GONNA ASK BIDDY OHMAHGAWD!!!" "Well, first of all, what you need to do is probably dress nice," Biddy said as she thought to herself. "But my clothes are ugly and smell like a donkey's arse because the ugly lady who beats me hardly washes them," Dip complained. "Listen, you need to be more gentle when you speak as well," she stated as she paced back and fourth. "You'll definitely need a lot of money, and have good manners, and--." "But I DO have good manners!" Dip said as he nonchalantly chewed his own bum. "Well, interrupting someone is definitely bad manners, along with biting your own bum" she giggled as Dip did the strangest stretches and formations. "I guess that's good for now. You should go fetch Joe at the Three Jolly Bargemen," Biddy said as she helped Dip out of his human knot. "I FRO MAH HANDS UP IN DEH AIR SOMETIMES! SINGING EYYYYYYY OH! GOTTA LEEEEET GO! JUST WANNA CELEBRATE AND LIVE MAH LIFE! SINGING EYYYYYYY OH! GOTTA LEEEEET GO! 'CAUSE I TOLD YOU ONCE, NOW I TOLD JOO TWICE, WE GONNA LIGHT IT UP, JUS' LIKE IT DYNOMITE!" Dip sang happily as he skipped inside the Three Jolly Bargemen. Dip stopped his happy skipping when he noticed a strange man. He rubbed Dip's leg, licked his ear, massaged his hair, then handed Dip two pounds. "OHMAHGAWD I MAKE MONIE AS A HOOKAH!" Green is not a creative color. |
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09-01-2011, 03:06 AM |
Post: #2
NastyMann
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Yeah, I don't expect many people to read this. It's pretty much a novel, once I'll be finished.
But, for those of you who have read Great Expectations, I think you'll enjoy it. Green is not a creative color. |
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09-01-2011, 03:09 AM |
Post: #3
godzillaboy100 
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God damn! That much already?! Well, it's too bad that I hate Great Expectations.
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09-01-2011, 03:10 AM |
Post: #4
NastyMann
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(09-01-2011 03:09 AM)godzillaboy100 Wrote: God damn! That much already?! Well, it's too bad that I hate Great Expectations. You do? Aww.... Green is not a creative color. |
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09-01-2011, 03:13 AM |
Post: #5
godzillaboy100
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(09-01-2011 03:10 AM)NastyMann Wrote:(09-01-2011 03:09 AM)godzillaboy100 Wrote: God damn! That much already?! Well, it's too bad that I hate Great Expectations. I'm still going to read it though. How many of the five heroes have you written about anyways? So far, I think there are only four. (Including this one.) |
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09-01-2011, 03:25 AM |
Post: #6
SilentStrike316
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O_O nice man, keep up the long and good work!
![[Image: 123mug.png]](http://img94.imageshack.us/img94/8871/123mug.png) |
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09-01-2011, 03:26 AM |
Post: #7
Nightowl12
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Just going to point this out, this is a pet peeve I have about you,
Your first line, I remember, A ways back when I was still in the royal army, Blablaba, Should be: I remember- A ways back when I was still in the royal army- Blablabla... I am Nightowl. I was a fourth generation writer here. You guys are eighth or ninth, I lost count. Anyway, I used to love this game, this forum, etc. But I don't browse here very often anymore. Anyway, there's a little info about me. Yourself? What are you like? (Shoutouts to Zach, Dogiedude, Nastymann, Protonoob, Commander, Aries, All fourth and past gen writers.) |
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09-01-2011, 03:26 AM |
Post: #8
NastyMann
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(09-01-2011 03:13 AM)godzillaboy100 Wrote:(09-01-2011 03:10 AM)NastyMann Wrote:(09-01-2011 03:09 AM)godzillaboy100 Wrote: God damn! That much already?! Well, it's too bad that I hate Great Expectations. Ah. This one isn't one of them But he will make a VERY important turning point. EDIT: The four heroes are: Riley Davidson - Zombie Apocalypse (With Farting.) Jeremy Winefred - The Adventure of Jeremy Winefred Clay McFatness - Clay McFatness, the Most Fantastic Royal Gunner Kiram - The Second Chance Green is not a creative color. |
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09-01-2011, 03:33 AM |
Post: #9
NastyMann
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(09-01-2011 03:26 AM)Nightowl12 Wrote: Just going to point this out, this is a pet peeve I have about you, Oh. Thank you! Green is not a creative color. |
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09-01-2011, 03:34 AM |
Post: #10
K.U.S.T.
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(09-01-2011 03:26 AM)Nightowl12 Wrote: Just going to point this out, this is a pet peeve I have about you, Just in case anyone was confused here, Here was a post I posted in my Xfire chat with Nasty: Xfire chat with NastyMann Wrote:What you put was saying that it was part of the sentence structure. What he put was showing that It's a side comment made by the author. It's like saying, "Today was a good day -- Where are the kids? -- But anyways, it was good." Cheers! -The Kingdom of the United Sectors of Terra Xfire: the1real1kust | Steam: blackmesaind |
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09-01-2011, 03:39 AM |
Post: #11
godzillaboy100
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(09-01-2011 03:26 AM)NastyMann Wrote:(09-01-2011 03:13 AM)godzillaboy100 Wrote:(09-01-2011 03:10 AM)NastyMann Wrote:(09-01-2011 03:09 AM)godzillaboy100 Wrote: God damn! That much already?! Well, it's too bad that I hate Great Expectations. I read it now. Most of the time I kept thinking about the WTF BOOM whenever something weird happened. (I don't know why.) Good story. The part with Estella is a little similar to the South Park parody of Great Expectations. |
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09-01-2011, 03:40 AM |
Post: #12
Nightowl12
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(09-01-2011 03:34 AM)K.U.S.T. Wrote:(09-01-2011 03:26 AM)Nightowl12 Wrote: Just going to point this out, this is a pet peeve I have about you, If you are still confused, Let me give an example. "I like pop tarts- Which we're always out of- And egg nog" I am Nightowl. I was a fourth generation writer here. You guys are eighth or ninth, I lost count. Anyway, I used to love this game, this forum, etc. But I don't browse here very often anymore. Anyway, there's a little info about me. Yourself? What are you like? (Shoutouts to Zach, Dogiedude, Nastymann, Protonoob, Commander, Aries, All fourth and past gen writers.) |
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09-01-2011, 03:45 AM |
Post: #13
godzillaboy100
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(09-01-2011 03:40 AM)Nightowl12 Wrote:(09-01-2011 03:34 AM)K.U.S.T. Wrote:(09-01-2011 03:26 AM)Nightowl12 Wrote: Just going to point this out, this is a pet peeve I have about you, You use commas to separate things like that. Ex: My sister, who lost her death monkey, likes using toe jam for her PB and J sandwiches. |
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09-01-2011, 03:47 AM |
Post: #14
Nightowl12
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Godzillas sister- whom lost her virginity at age 12- Is now a respectable business woman. (
 )
I am Nightowl. I was a fourth generation writer here. You guys are eighth or ninth, I lost count. Anyway, I used to love this game, this forum, etc. But I don't browse here very often anymore. Anyway, there's a little info about me. Yourself? What are you like? (Shoutouts to Zach, Dogiedude, Nastymann, Protonoob, Commander, Aries, All fourth and past gen writers.) |
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09-01-2011, 04:01 AM |
Post: #15
godzillaboy100
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09-01-2011, 04:15 AM |
Post: #16
Zachary0015
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(09-01-2011 03:26 AM)Nightowl12 Wrote: Just going to point this out, this is a pet peeve I have about you, Actually, no it shouldn't. Grammar FTW. Dickens FTW as well. Can't bear to read A Tale of Two Cities, though. :P |
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09-01-2011, 04:17 AM |
Post: #17
godzillaboy100
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(09-01-2011 04:15 AM)Zachary0015 Wrote:(09-01-2011 03:26 AM)Nightowl12 Wrote: Just going to point this out, this is a pet peeve I have about you, Why is it that during a grammar correction, the first guy fails beyond epic proportions by the second guy correcting him? Either way, it happened to Night twice in one correction by me and you. |
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09-01-2011, 04:17 AM |
Post: #18
Nightowl12
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(09-01-2011 04:15 AM)Zachary0015 Wrote:(09-01-2011 03:26 AM)Nightowl12 Wrote: Just going to point this out, this is a pet peeve I have about you, Actually, If your trying to get the point across it does. Such as in the cirque du freak Series, Darren Shan continously uses -blablabla- in his sentences. I am Nightowl. I was a fourth generation writer here. You guys are eighth or ninth, I lost count. Anyway, I used to love this game, this forum, etc. But I don't browse here very often anymore. Anyway, there's a little info about me. Yourself? What are you like? (Shoutouts to Zach, Dogiedude, Nastymann, Protonoob, Commander, Aries, All fourth and past gen writers.) |
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09-01-2011, 04:18 AM |
Post: #19
K.U.S.T.
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I believe that if you are to start one of those side comments with a prep, it is a comma, but only if it relates to the subject being spoken about. It should be separated by dashes if the comment has a separate meaning from the sentence or sentence topic.
Cheers! -The Kingdom of the United Sectors of Terra Xfire: the1real1kust | Steam: blackmesaind |
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09-01-2011, 04:18 AM |
Post: #20
Nightowl12
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(09-01-2011 04:17 AM)godzillaboy100 Wrote:(09-01-2011 04:15 AM)Zachary0015 Wrote:(09-01-2011 03:26 AM)Nightowl12 Wrote: Just going to point this out, this is a pet peeve I have about you, Bold=fixed, I win. I am Nightowl. I was a fourth generation writer here. You guys are eighth or ninth, I lost count. Anyway, I used to love this game, this forum, etc. But I don't browse here very often anymore. Anyway, there's a little info about me. Yourself? What are you like? (Shoutouts to Zach, Dogiedude, Nastymann, Protonoob, Commander, Aries, All fourth and past gen writers.) |
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