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28-08-2010, 07:55 PM | Post: #1
123lucas 
Prolouge: The camp


Jake is a national parathopper soldier.In the camp he recived a misson:destroy 5 AA guns in Seaside Skrimish near the lighthouse.He was in siting on a crate of ammo when a comando called James said "Hi, are you a member of the Bravo squad?"Jake look at James face and said"Yes,you are Pvt.James?"James said "Affirmative,Sgt.Herman is calling"Jake Stand up and followed James to Herman's position,"The parachuting zone is in south of here,we will get in the plane in 1 hour"said Herman"How many people in the squad?"asked Jake"9 soldiers,1 gunner and 3 commandos.Get your equipiment Private"awesered Herman(and ordened).1 hour and 59 minutes later they where in the parachuting zone."Jump!"ordened Herman to James(and the rest of the squad).

(This post was last modified: 06-08-2011 06:10 PM by 123lucas.)
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28-08-2010, 07:57 PM | Post: #2
Loutsik 
change the title to:

[Story] Falling to War

(0.o)

I'm watching you
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28-08-2010, 08:04 PM | Post: #3
Zachary0015 
To start, the plot was very dry. The characters were impersonal, and you can't at all get a glimpse at what's going on in their minds. Next, the grammar needs a lot of work. Always put spaces after your commas, and before your quotations.
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28-08-2010, 08:39 PM | Post: #4
TheCheesymaster 
(28-08-2010 07:57 PM)Loutsik Wrote:  change the title to:

[Story] Failling to War

Fixe'd

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(11-07-2010 02:51 PM)Lennna Wrote:  Uh-oh! Beware of Cheesy! Tongue
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28-08-2010, 08:47 PM | Post: #5
thepowpow 
(28-08-2010 08:04 PM)Zachary0015 Wrote:  To start, the plot was very dry. The characters were impersonal, and you can't at all get a glimpse at what's going on in their minds. Next, the grammar needs a lot of work. Always put spaces after your commas, and before your quotations.

and it needs to be paragraphed so it isn't a wall of text Confused

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29-08-2010, 12:38 AM | Post: #6
123lucas 
thanks loutsik,but how to change title?
Zachary sorry about my bad english,because i'm from Brazil
the powpow ,how paragraph?
i put some spaces before the text and didn't work

(This post was last modified: 29-08-2010 01:58 AM by 123lucas.)
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29-08-2010, 12:40 AM | Post: #7
matstar22 
Go to edit and select full edit.

In 2009, why did I think this was a "cool" username...
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29-08-2010, 12:49 AM | Post: #8
123lucas 
for what?

(This post was last modified: 29-08-2010 12:49 AM by 123lucas.)
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29-08-2010, 12:50 AM | Post: #9
matstar22 
To change the title.

In 2009, why did I think this was a "cool" username...
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29-08-2010, 12:54 AM | Post: #10
123lucas 
thank you matstarSmile

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29-08-2010, 12:57 AM | Post: #11
matstar22 
Your welcome...Its just matt btw.

In 2009, why did I think this was a "cool" username...
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29-08-2010, 01:46 AM | Post: #12
123lucas 
Chapter 1:Plane down

Jake jumped the plane,but 2 soldier don't did it, whem he landed "Damn it,two gunners" he thinked,he dawn his pistol and shoot one of they,HEADSHOT!!the other gunner start shooting him and he shoot at the gunner's leg,the gunner fell and he shoot again,and killed the gunner.A royal soldier apprered and he got cover behid one three,some knife stabs were heared and he saw James cleaning his knife and that Royal soldier in grond."Thanks,James you just saved me!"said Jake"I just, killed one AA gunner and destroyed the AA gun,only four left!"said James,and they went to the AA gun(it was behid the gunners) and destroyed it.Two comandos ambush they in the way to another AA gun ,James stab the comando's chest and Jake striked him whit his rifle stock and shoot the commando in chest ,"Look,a royal plane"said Jake, James jump in a bursh and aim the sniper to the plane ,Jake hid near some crates ,but a royal gunner saw him and start to shot at his position ,James sniped the gunner,HEADSHOT!!,but the plane start to shot him and he ained to the plane again and shoot he hit ,and ained again and shoot again ,he hit the engine "Plane down"said James "Well done!!Pvt.James" said a unknow voice"Sarge!!it's great to se you"said Jake.

(This post was last modified: 09-03-2011 02:53 PM by 123lucas.)
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29-08-2010, 04:28 AM | Post: #13
123lucas 
Chapter 2:The road to the farm

"Stay sharp,James cover me"said Herman"Roger that,Sir"said James"There's one in the AA and another bringing ammo to the gunner and the gunner...I can't see what he is doing"said Jake"James shot at the ammo guy!"said Herman"Affirmative"said James and shooting"Nice,shot buddy!"said Jake,while the gunner were looking to his dead dude,James shoot again,but it wasn't a lethal shot,the gunner lose his arm ,but he still alive."Cover me,i will destroy that AA"said Herman,while the AA gunner asked for ammo and later he went to see what the ammo guy was doing,and being shoot by James.Herman destroyed the AA gun ,they rode to the lighthouse and saw a destroyed AA"two AA still left"said Jake"i don't think so"said an unknow voice"Cpl.Adolf,did you destroy the other AA?"said Herman"Yes,Sir ,we destroyded the AA guns ,new ordens from the General Kaisershek!!"said Adolf"Ok,let me see it...let's move to the farm"said Herman"Sgt.Herman we need reinforciments at Hillside Farm's entrace,do you copy me?"said a national private in the radio"Negative,we can't lose our men,sorry"awsered Herman in the radio"Ok,Sir ,but we must captur..."said the private "Private ,private ,do you still bhearthing?Damn it we lost the private,let's move squad"said Herman.

They were geting cover in the threes ,shooting at the farm "Tanks incoming!!" shouted Adolf "Pvt.Rudolf destroy them before they do it whith us!!"shouted Herman,while Rudolf shoot a tank whith his bazoka"Tank down ,but plane incoming"said Rudolf "i'll take care of him"said James when he ained the plane and the plane ained him.

(This post was last modified: 30-08-2010 01:15 PM by 123lucas.)
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29-08-2010, 02:35 PM | Post: #14
Zachary0015 
(28-08-2010 08:04 PM)Zachary0015 Wrote:  To start, the plot was very dry. The characters were impersonal, and you can't at all get a glimpse at what's going on in their minds. Next, the grammar needs a lot of work. Always put spaces after your commas, and before your quotations.

Same advice.
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29-08-2010, 03:37 PM | Post: #15
123lucas 
if you don't like my story don't read zachary

please leave coments, english isn't my native languageBig Grin

(This post was last modified: 29-08-2010 03:46 PM by 123lucas.)
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29-08-2010, 03:48 PM | Post: #16
Zachary0015 
(29-08-2010 03:37 PM)123lucas Wrote:  if you don't like my story don't read zachary

please leave coments, english isn't my native languageBig Grin

Never said I didn't like it. Writers usually give constructive criticisms to help make stories better. No offense is intended.
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29-08-2010, 04:04 PM | Post: #17
123lucas 
seeing it this way...thanks

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30-08-2010, 01:12 AM | Post: #18
123lucas 
Chapter 3:Sniper vs. Plane

The plane start shooting at James and he shoot at the engine, the plane caught fire, and start to falling, but in James diretion, a sniper shoot at James's leg "I can't move, help me," said James "We can't help you, because we are taking heavy fire, sorry Private," said Adolf "i'm going, buddy," said Jake, but Adolf held his arm "he'll die, and if you try to help him you'll do it too," said Adolf "I'll run the risk," said Jake, he ran and carried James and he were almost hit by the explosion "Medic, come here!!" said Jake,the medic ran, but died in the way, jake got the medic's rifle shoot all the clip "My sniper, where's it?" asked James "I don't know...oh look it's here" awsered Jake, after search "Get the binoculars and search for targets" ordened James, Jake obeyed "Jake, James you still alive?" asked Herman "Yes, Sir, we still alive, could you call a medic?" said James "Lighthouse, Lighthouse" said Herman "Yes, this is the radio operator of the Lighthouse" said the radio operator "We need a Medic and ammonition" said Herman "What is your positiom?" asked the radio operator "Near some threes, down the hill, going to the farm"awesered Herman "Support squad, going to your position, cambio hang" said the radio operator, five minutes later the support squad reached to their position.

(This post was last modified: 30-08-2010 01:15 PM by 123lucas.)
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30-08-2010, 03:10 AM | Post: #19
K.U.S.T. 
I'm so sorry, but reading this makes my brain hurt. You can't have around three or more different dialogues per paragraph. It's just confusing. And with almost no punctuation, it hurts a lot. For example:
(30-08-2010 01:12 AM)123lucas Wrote:  "I can't move, help me" said James "We can't help you, because we are taking heavy fire, sorry private" said Adolf "i'm going, buddy" said Jake, but Adolf hold his arm "he'll die, if you try to help him you'll do it to" said Adolf "I'll run the risk" said Jake

It should read like this:

Quote:"I can't move, help me," said James.
"We can't help you, because we are taking heavy fire, sorry Private," said Adolf.
"I'm going, buddy," said Jake, but Adolf held his arm.
"He'll die, and if you try to help him you'll do it, too," said Adolf.
"I'll run the risk," said Jake.

Oh, and you should update your title to say chapter 3.

Cheers!
-The Kingdom of the United Sectors of Terra



Xfire: the1real1kust | Steam: blackmesaind

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30-08-2010, 01:17 PM | Post: #20
123lucas 
thank you, for correct me
sorry, because my story hurts, i'm from Brazil

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