(Parody Story) Live Free Spam Hard 2 [Chapter 8 CONCLUSION] - Printable Version
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(Parody Story) Live Free Spam Hard 2 [Chapter 8 CONCLUSION] - xCptxJxLukexFx - 13-10-2010 03:24 AM
In the country War Stories, massive egos, relentless spam, and girlish cries for big manly moderators run rampant. Since our last adventure, only three of the original writers remain. Aries, Zach, and Luke make up the Awesomeness Clan, who are devoted to trolling morons and keeping good stories on the first page. New threats will arise, old enemies will return, and people will be banned. This is Live Free Or Spam Harder...the sequel.
Luke breathed the fresh, War Stories air. With a backpack slung over his shoulder, and a Thompson in his hand, he skipped along the dirt road towards his home away from home, the forum. All seemed to be well from this distance, but he had no idea how wrong he was.
Aries lurked in his War Stories home. Zachary had not come online yet so he was killing time by trolling in one of Annilator’s numerous stories. He caught the glimpse of an approaching figure in the distance.
“Probably a new and most likely terrible writer”, he murmured to himself.
As the figure got close, it showed a hint of familiarity to Aries. He knew this person, but who could it possibly be?
“Nah, it couldn’t be” he said with disbelief.
“My knuckles have turned to white. La la la. Kiss me one last time,” Luke screeched in the distance.
“I know those crappy lyrics,” Aries said, gazing into the blazing sun at the silhouette of his beloved virtual brother.
Luke approached Aries with relative ease.
“Hey buddy, ya miss me?” Luke said.
Aries remained silent for a moment.
“Well, for you taking so long, I have to say something” Aries said
Luke was speechless while he listened to Aries, “Screamo sucks and Iron Maiden is one of the best bands ever.”
Luke gave a blank stare.
“Just like old times, eh?”
“If I hadn’t just arrived, I would slug you in the freaking face,” Luke barked, “But I am glad to be back. It seems like while I was gone everything got settled, and we’re back to the good ole days.”
Aries merely sighed and lowered his eyes to the rough, dusty road.
“I’m afraid that assessment is flawed. While you were gone, things got way worse,” Aries said, pitifully.
Out of nowhere, Zachary appears.
“WANNA LISTEN TO MY MEOW MIX?” Zach gurgled.
And so it began...
RE: (Parody Story) Live Free Spam Hard 2 - xCptxJxLukexFx - 13-10-2010 03:25 AM
Chapter 1: Life is Full of Meaningless Things
Inside Annilator’s small casino, Life is Full of Meaningless Things, was a chaotic ruckus. Two spiffy looking bandits armed with six shooters were inside shouting at Annilator who was cowering behind a poker table.
“Billy, go get the rage,” Luke yelled, holding his pistol head level with Annilator.
“Why do you insist upon calling me Billy?” Aries asked as he scooted around Godzillaboy who was seated at the table.
“Billy’s a cool, cowboy name. Get over it,” Luke said, smiling beneath the bandanna wrapped around his mouth.
Aries ignored his crazed friend, and headed towards the back where he knew Annilator kept his hidden stash of rage. From behind the cards Godzillaboy held in front of his face, there was an evil grin forming on his face.
“Luke, you are so dumb. You are really dumb. Fo’ real,” He smirked, slyly.
Surprised at the sudden outburst, Luke kicked the table over, knocking Godzillaboy flat on his back. With his spurs ringing as he stepped forward, Luke strode towards the heckler.
“Listen, little boy, I would watch yo’ mouth, before I skin this smoke wagon all over ya!” He shouted, placing his boot on Godzillaboy’s throat.
“Moderator, hello? Moderator!” Godzillaboy croaked, becoming frightened.
“Yo callin’ for yo mama, boyah?” Luke laughed, lowering the gun to his victim’s forehead.
Annilator, seeing that Luke was distracted, pulled a hidden pistol from one of his body cavities. Slowly, he raised the gun over the table.
“I said down, boyah!” Aries screamed, pulling the trigger.
A gunshot rang out, and Annilator slumped over the side of his poker table. Aries held a box full of large red bottles, labeled “rage”. Smiling broadly, he handed a bottle to Luke, and took one for himself.
“Heck yeah!” Aries raved, dropping the rest of the crate, and taking a swig.
“Don’t drink too quickly, douche bags,” Said a voice from the doorway.
The two bandits turned around to see Sheriff Loutsik, standing dramatically in a trench coat.
“Oh no, Aries, it’s the sheriff!” Luke said, throwing his bottle to the side, and whiping his mouth.
“That ain’t no sheriff. Look at his badge. It’s made of cardboard,” Aries replied, raising his pistol.
“Now boys, you don’t want this to get... Physical,” Loutsik said, tilting his head to the side.
“I think we do,” Luke answered.
“Very well,” Loutsik murmured, dropping his trench coat, revealing a shot gun.
With a look of pure fear, Luke and Aries dove behind a nearby overturned table. After a pause, a shot gun blast rang out, sending pellets into the wooden table. A hail of pistol fire returned this greeting.
“Read Shatter!” Screamed Nightowl as he threw himself from the second story window to escape the shootout.
“My eye! My frigging eye!” Luke cried, placing his hand over his right eye.
“You’re hit?” Aries asked.
“No, his ego is blinding me!” Luke laughed, hysterically.
The two friends howled, crazily as they reloaded their six shooters.
A loud, powerful voice stopped the violent scene, “My name Wyatt Derp, and I’m the law around here! Now, listen up. Luke and Aries are going to jail for the trolling murder of Annilator and Godzillaboy.”
Suddenly, Luke and Aries’ weapons vanished and were replaced by hand cuffs that appeared on their wrists. A hearty laugh erupted from the lips of Wyatt Derp as he led the two friends away. Luke and Aries, heartbroken, listened to Godzillaboy snickering while he basked in his victory. Little did he know, this meant war. WAAHAHAHAHAHAHA
RE: (Parody Story) Live Free Spam Hard 2 - xCptxJxLukexFx - 13-10-2010 03:26 AM
Chapter 2: Zach's Adventure and How it all Went Down
Without the slightest sound, Zachary advanced on the massive containment facility. Humming his favorite spy theme song, he admired the dark night sky that provided him with cover. He was disguised in his mother’ favorite black dress. She had no idea that he would sneak out, wearing it every night. This time, however, it was in the purpose of stealth.
Cautiously, he darted in between the houses that lined the street towards the prison. Sweating, he noticed that his mascara was running down his face. This caused him to become even more determined to rescue his friends. Although his cross dressing habits, his friends had learned to accept him and were confident he would come for them.
“Man, these heels are annoying” he cursed to himself as he darted across the street.
Zachary approached the prison. The dark building was only lit by the starry night sky. Outside, community mods stood guard. Developers were sure to be inside, along with their pet, Loutsik. Zachary made his way to the back of the building, in search of an alternate entrance. He discovered a sewer.
“Mother is going to hate me for this” he murmured to himself.
He slipped inside the sewer making sure he didn’t drop his mother’s pearls. He landed softly in a pile of, well use your imagination. Zachary noticed a dark figure by him. It had a strange familiarity to him. He approached the figure. The figure was wearing lipstick, along with a dress with heels. It was almost a mirror image of himself. The figure appeared to have low self esteem. He/she scribbled on a drawing pad. Zach could make it out to be anime. The figure raised his head.
“A girl?” Sly squealed, eagerly.
“No, unfortunately, I am a male. You’d never have a chance with a real girl,” Zachary replied, matter-of-factly.
“G-g-g-g-get out of here! I hate you! And everyone else! No one understands me, except for Bobby over there,” Sly said, motioning towards an anime drawing that was tapped to the grimy, sewer wall.
The drawing depicted a muscular, shirtless man wrestling a crocodile.
“Umm, that is lovely,” Zachary said, slowly moving backwards.
“You think so?” Sly said, unaware that Zach was sprinting in the opposite direction.
“Wait!, Give Aries my love!” he yelled desperately.
Zach had escaped the clutches of his frenemie, Sly. He still had to rescue his friends from their bans. He reached the end of the sewer. A ladder lead the way out and into the prison. He began his climb to the top, and slowly opened the sewer cover. Peering out, he sneakily closed the lid and headed for cover. He had landed in the mens’ bathroom. The door opened and Zach remained hidden. The footsteps grew closer to Zach’s stall. Suddenly, the stall door opened. The figure of Loutsik filled Zach retina. Zach was temporally blinded by his enormous ego. Slowly, Loutsik opened his mouth.
“I like the way you roll, girl” he said, giddily.
Zachary remained silent. In effort to please him, he curtsied accepting Loutsik as the Great Leader while chanting “Trololololo”. While Loutsik was admiring himself Zach began his attack. Ripping off one his heels, he clubbed Loutsik in the face. Loutsik, unable to comprehend how a simple peasant had caused harm to him, fell over backwards. Zach bolted out of the bathroom heading towards the prison cells.
His soft footsteps were hardly audible as he ran towards his friends. Suddenly, he was jumped by an old friend. Foam emitted from the mouth of this strange young man.
“Where are they? Where are my waffles?” Wonderboy screeched, in apparent anguish.
“If you would get off me, oaf, I am sure we could find them. After I find Aries and Luke, that is,” Zachary replied.
WonderBoy sniffed the air as if to detect the honesty in Zach’s voice.
“I agree,” He finally mumbled, standing up.
“Hurry. I can hear mods coming,” Zach said, leaping from the ground.
Wonderboy, like a ravenous wolf, ran using his arms as well as his legs. While Zach trailed behind, muttering curses to his heels. Soon, the two stood before Luke and Aries. They looked like death, for they had been deprived of posting or communicating with their online “buddies”.
“Here, let me get this door off,” Zach said.
RE: (Parody Story) Live Free Spam Hard 2 - xCptxJxLukexFx - 13-10-2010 03:27 AM
Chapter 3: The Hurter and the Hurted
Zach began to fiddle with the door’s lock. Wonderboy however was not a patient man. He ripped off the metal bars with a fierce growl and the foam dripping from his mouth. Luke and Aries still appeared pale and unhealthy. Zachary began to ponder to himself.
“Where art thou, my sanity? Thou hast left this forum long ago...” he said under his breath, looking at Wonderboy tear through a crate of waffles. After breaking the lock, Wonderboy smashed through the bars, foaming at the mouth once again.
“I’m so happy to see you guys!” he cried, licking them.
Luke and Aries rose from the bare, concrete floor, wiping the saliva from their pale faces.
“Arise,” Zach began, “And rejoin us on our quest to-”
“Have you ever thought of shutting up?” Luke said, getting up and brushing the dust from his clothing. Aries mumbled, still half consious
“You may borrow one of my many razors,” Luke replied, “It’s the next best thing.”
“Tarry not, dear friends. We must go, and exact revenge upon our nemesis, as if it were done what ‘tis done, then ‘twere well it were done quickly!” Zach interrupted. Aries and Luke rolled their eyes, as Wonderboy began to howl at the moon.
“We need to get him some waffles so he shuts up...” Aries began, now aware of his surroundings.
Luke, suddenly crying, began to wail a strange emo song. His aqua blue eyes welled up with tears as he stared out of his cell into the foreboding blackness. Zach gave a grim look to Aries.
“And thou has taken it to infer MY music was bad?”
“There’s no hope. Emptiness has darkened my eyes as I hopelessly beg for my life to end. I suppose I should just end my life now with this conveniently placed C4,” Luke mumbled.
“No, you moronic, stereotypical emo, we can use those,” Aries shouted, taking a puff from his “cloven” cigarette.
“But do not make haste, lest thou be hoist by thine own petar!” Zach interjected.
“You’re not Hamlet, GAWASH!” Aries shouted, smashing his metaphorical caps lock button.
Aries grabbed the explosives from Luke who began balling like an eight year old girl. Without hesitation, Aries armed the bomb on the back of the cell. The group ducked in the cell as the C4 blew, sending rock fragments in all directions.
The group hopped through the broken concrete wall. What they didn’t know was that the fiends lurking in the shadows of escape are far worse than being deprived of music.
“And he was that one guy who made me sooooo mad. And this guy oh woah oh he’s a nasty one,” Said an eerie voice from the darkness.
“Yesss hissss hosssstility and rudenesss are known throughout the Underworld” Hissed another strange voice.
“Where art these mysterious voices coming from?” Zachary murmered.
“Despair,” Luke whispered, clutching a razor blade.
A puff of smoke emitted from Aries’ mouth as he spoke, “Shut up, Luke. We’ll make it out of here, or my name isn’t Chadd “Hipster” Douche-bag.”
A stream of tears erupted from Luke’s eyes when he realized that wasn’t Aries’ name. Zachary placed his hand on Luke’s shoulder, murmuring comforting words the best his Shakespearean tongue could muster. Luke merely nodded, and the group advanced into the darkness.
Zach set forth with a lantern, leading the way.
“Why do YOU get to lead?” Sly asked, as he had been stalking them all since they left.
“Holy mother! It’s a female creeper!” Aries said, holding his guitar in a bat-like position. Sly opened his mouth to answer, but he was bludgeoned with the guitar before he could say a word.
“Lolwut” Luke said, examining Sly’s wallet.
Strangely, it contained an anime picture of a lizard man.
The caption read, “I’m firin’ mah lazorz.”
“That’s interesting,” Aries coughed, hoarsely.
A screeching noise made the group jump. They turned around, slowly, glancing side to side. Suddenly, a furry creature jumped in their midst.
“My name is,” it began, speaking with unusual quickness, “Is unimportant,” the being finished with an expression of sadness.
“Yes, and my name is important. I’m LOUTSIK,” yelled a voice from behind.
The writers turned to see a group of wannabe mods led by Loutsik standing in the opening created by the C4. Hatred burned in the writers as they gazed into the monument of arrogance’s eyes.
Loutsik was dressed in various BFH memorabilia, dressing up as his hero to the smallest detail. He clutched various poorly made Microsoft Paint drawings for his upcoming RP’s.
The furry creature moved towards Loutsik. In defence, Loutsik held up a cardboard sword he had made in his “free time” to cosplay with. The monster picked up Loutsik as he pulled out his mother’s ring of “Invisibility” in order to escape. Alas it did nothing. The monster abruptly swallowed Loutsik and Loutsik’s guild disbanded to go play some Dawn of War.
However, one of the wannabe mods stepped forward. Feeling insecure, Zach reached for his pants, and tried to pull his conductor’s baton from its sheath. Loutsik’s pet, however, raised his hands as if to say, “I’m in awe of your awesomeness please spare me.”
“My name is TheZeroHero. Please do not abuse me in terrible fashions like Loutsik would while I slept in the dorms. I want peace between Role Players and Writers. I secretly carry a diary and write all my built up feelings into it. The role players would never understand. THERE NEEDS TO BE BALANCE IN THE FORCE!” He said, tears welling in his eyes.
“I suppose we have room for another writer in the group,” Luke said, feeling sympathy for someone he related to so well.
“I suppose you’re going to ask us for a..” Aries began.
“LEGENDARY A SPOT? REALLY? ME A LEGENDARY WRITER?” Zero shouted with glee.
“I was going to say a weapon asides from your foam war hammer,” Aries continued, suddenly realizing that this man had been watching them, eagerly awaiting his chance to buddy up with the powers of War Stories.
“So I guess we should do something about this furry monster.” Luke said.
Zachary was still searching in his pants for his baton. Luke pulled out his headphones and put on screamo music at the highest possible volume. Aries once again armed himself with his guitar he deeply admired. Zero pretended this monster had killed his parents or some Story/RP cliche like that. With a flick of Luke’s emo hair, the group charged at the monster.
“Wait! You don’t know what I’ve been through. I’ve tried writing. I’ve tried beating myself. I’ve tried everything, and still there is this gaping hole in my heart I can’t fill,” The monster roared.
Luke swished his hair back into place and said, “What are you talking about? Welcome to our word, bud. Ugly monstrous creatures that write terrible stories get slain.”
“Did someone say slain? I was playing Dungeons and Dragons, and I was all like WACHAW and that son of a mage, orc-brained dragon was totally slayed!” Zero cried, excitedly.
Becoming annoyed, Luke fell to the ground with his headphones and started throwing a childish tantrum. Zachary sighed, and went again to his friend’s side to comfort him. Aries then took charge, and stepped forward, dramatically holding his guitar above his head with one hand and shot the horns with the other.
“THIS IS REAL MUSIC.” he shouted.
Erupting into a mystical, hypnotic guitar solo, the room was deafened by the shredding. The furry monster formerly known as Monstora began to tremble. With his hands against his ears, he tried to drown out the epicness by reciting a story he made to himself. Through the blistering guitar solo you could barely make out the words.
“Onse upon a teime thier waz a lonely draegon
Whos feat wer wite as snow
Then zombis com out of nowhere
He trew a grenad at him but he died
Then he fel doewn a ditchccc in which he cried
Then aliien arms came out of nowere
In whihc I then made out with a transvestite
then the rest happened leik (insert videogame/movie/music influence)(by influence I mean carbon copy)(by carbon copy I mean total screwing up)
It was not very effective, in which Monstora was then vaporized. The limp body of Loutsik remained in the aftermath.
From the shadows came a raspy, English voice, “Delta Squad, GOOOOOOOO!”
RE: (Parody Story) Live Free Spam Hard 2 - xCptxJxLukexFx - 13-10-2010 03:28 AM
Chapter 4: Mr. A's Alienation Nation
For a moment, nothing happened.
“I said, DELTAS' GOOOOOOO!” Matrix repeated, moving his hand forward.
“One sec, dude. I got some dishes to wash,” Answered his teammate.
“WHAT? You put real life above Delta?!” Matrix screeched.
Matrix drew his pistol from the inside his pants and shot the soldier, again and again. He moved uncomfortably and grimaced whilst stuffing it back within his man-thong.
“Does anyone else wish to place false idols in front of their commitments?” Matrix asked, glaring at the fearful faces of his squad.
The squad continued the awkward silence.
“Good, now, unleash hell!” He barked,
The stunned group of writers gaped at the unusual men standing on the roof of the prison. After a few minutes of searching for their sniper rifles in their holographic inventory, Delta Squad began firing upon the group.
“Hark! Hear the bullet trails, yonder beyond range. Their shot, ‘tis worse than the wannabe imposters of the 1.5 generation’s writing!” Zach exclaimed, noticing all the shots landing at least four meters from where they stood.
“Hold your fire! I said, hold your FIRE!” Matrix screamed, his voice squeaking.
The gun shots ceased, and the team looked around, nervously. Matrix motioned for them to be quiet. He signaled to them that a mod was coming with a bunch of sporadic arm movements. They looked towards where their leader was now pointing to see a mod advancing on their position.
“Oh noez! Suffer, what do we do?” Cried a Delta Squad lackey.
“I told you, mum, never call me SUFFER! Now, here’s what we’re going to do: I’m gonna all like go ninja on that dude, and you’re going to watch in awe,” Matrix replied, grinning evilly with horrid looking teeth.
Soon, the sounds of blasting strike and gunfire could be heard throughout the prison yard. Matrix then returned into sight, pulling up his pants.
“Well, that was quite the experience,” said Matrix, smiling broadly.
The extremely frightened group of writers shuffled, nervously. Matrix had seemed to loose interest in the group he had so flamboyantly attacked. After a few seconds of gloating in his small victory, his attention again returned to the crowd below.
“Call in an AIRSTRIKE!” Matrix ordered.
His squad mate, in turn, threw his hands into the air and did a short dance. Matrix nodded his approval, and soon the sound of planes could be heard.
“Oh, him and his Call of Duty like shenanigans” Aries said.
Zach stepped forward.
“I don’t drink a concoction made from barely wheat, but when I do, I fall into a state of intoxication.” he gurgled.
An awkward silence followed.
“Stay thirsty my friends.”
“Erm, interesting...” Luke mumbled.
“Precisely! I am the most interesting troll in the world,” he slurred.
“Enough talk! Take them to our leader!” Matrix screeched.
A beam of eerie green light appeared around the group. As they rose from the ground, TheZeroHero began to shout with glee.
“This is just like one of the random role plays I have participated in!”
The group of misfits were pulled up by the green beam’s gravitation. Zachary began to remark on the laws of physics involved and Aries noticed a similarity to the Boston debut album cover he cherished. Twas an alien spaceship, A UFO.
A rumbling voice filled the writer’s mind, “Do not fear. We are perfectly friendly, and only wish to examine you.”
“Oh naw! I’ve seen a movie like this! It doesn’t turn out pleasant!” Luke told the rest of the gang.
“WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?” Wonderboy roared.
“Calm down, brother. We will accomplish our quest, together!” TheZeroHero said.
“He’s your brother?” Aries asked.
This question made Zero go into a long historical background rant that was clearly false. The rest of the group shook their heads in disgust as they listened to how Zero’s father was killed by a group of bandits from a far off world in one of his roleplays, and Wonderboy’s father was a wolf, which made them half-brothers. By the time he had finished, they were on board the alien space craft.
As soon as they were able to walk freely, Matrix was led into a odd looking room by an alien who was covered in tentecals. After a few awkward seconds, his screams pierced the air. Another minute passed, and he reappeared to the group who were becoming extremely nervous.
“All better?” The alien asked Matrix.
“Very much so,” Matrix replied.
“Alright, who’s next?” The monstrous being said, turning its attention to the writers.
Before they could kill themselves, a white sliding door opened. Standing in the doorway was an old enemy, Mr. A. He appeared to be the leader of the alien ship.
“What is the meaning of this, Bruce?” Mr. A said with authority.
The alien turned a strange purple color and replied, “Sir, you said to give them special treatment.”
The writers all gagged and searched their backpacks for extra pairs of underwear.
“Not what I meant at all.” He returned.
“Sir, you said when you hired us that we would be payed in this fashion. It is only right that they are brought into experimentation.” The alien said.
A swarm of aliens appeared around them, and the only words that could be heard were, “Mutiny!”
*Mr. A requested to write this section*
The writters all counteratacked
Gunshots were all over the places
They ran and ran dep into the spaceship
And they were droping grenades and the ship expodez
And the control panel exploded
And the aliens exploded
And the writers jumped out wit parashoots
RE: (Parody Story) Live Free Spam Hard 2 - godzillaboy100 - 13-10-2010 03:40 AM
Meow Mix? I randomly loled. Weird.
RE: (Parody Story) Live Free Spam Hard 2 - xCptxJxLukexFx - 13-10-2010 04:06 AM
Well, Aries had to go. So, we'll post tomorrow.
RE: (Parody Story) Live Free Spam Hard 2 - hurter - 13-10-2010 08:17 AM
RE: (Parody Story) Live Free Spam Hard 2 - IAmAries - 13-10-2010 11:14 AM
Actually a true story...
RE: (Parody Story) Live Free Spam Hard 2 - Zachary0015 - 13-10-2010 08:14 PM
Inside jokes, sorry.
RE: (Parody Story) Live Free Spam Hard 2 - xCptxJxLukexFx - 13-10-2010 10:25 PM
New chapter is up, fo' rizzle.
RE: (Parody Story) Live Free Spam Hard 2 - TheZeroHero - 13-10-2010 10:33 PM
I lol'd at "READ SHATTER! *Jumps out window*"
RE: (Parody Story) Live Free Spam Hard 2 - xCptxJxLukexFx - 13-10-2010 10:42 PM
Lol, this next chapter is about Zach. So far, it is hilarious!
RE: (Parody Story) Live Free Spam Hard 2 - TheZeroHero - 13-10-2010 10:54 PM
Soooo...what side of the "war" am i on :3
RE: (Parody Story) Live Free Spam Hard 2 - xCptxJxLukexFx - 13-10-2010 10:56 PM
You can be on ours. Haha
RE: (Parody Story) Live Free Spam Hard 2 - xCptxJxLukexFx - 13-10-2010 11:17 PM
Woot! Another chapter is up. Man, we are productive today.
RE: (Parody Story) Live Free Spam Hard 2 - Zachary0015 - 13-10-2010 11:22 PM
Stop portraying me as a drag queen.
RE: (Parody Story) Live Free Spam Hard 2 - xCptxJxLukexFx - 13-10-2010 11:34 PM
We're sorry, Zachy. It's such a laughable subject. We all know you're straight.
RE: (Parody Story) Live Free Spam Hard 2 - TheZeroHero - 13-10-2010 11:44 PM
RE: (Parody Story) Live Free Spam Hard 2 - godzillaboy100 - 14-10-2010 12:01 AM
Story Wrote:...trolling murder of Annilator and Godzillaboy."
From Story Again Wrote:...listened to Godzillaboy snickering while he basked in his victory.
How was I snickering if I was murdered? And I am slightly confused to why you made me say something in Zach's sig.